Chasing Cars
by wolf113
Summary: Beca is deeply hurt, but can Chloe help her? One shot written to the snow patrol song 'Chasing Cars'. BeChloe. WARNING: CONTAINS SELF HARM


**"Chasing Cars"**

_We'll do it all  
Everything  
On our own_

Beca knew she shouldn't feel like this for her best friend. That she shouldn't feel like this for Chloe. That is was wrong. The fluttering feelings she got at the sight of the girl, the fireworks Chloe's touch sent across her skin. That was not something she should feel for her best friend, thats what she should be feeling for Jesse. Jesse, the sweet boy that wanted to be her boyfriend so bad, the boy that she should thank her lucky stars for. A boy she doesn't deserve. But that is the problem for her, he is a boy and Beca doesn't like boys, as hard as she tries to, she just can't.

Her Father told her it was wrong, that it was just a phase, but it isn't because she is fucking in love with her best friend and she can't help it. God damn! She knew as soon as she set eyes on Chloe at the activities fair that it wasn't a phase, that was when the cutting started. She just needed a release, thats all it was going to be. She was going to do it one time, but it turned into so many more.  
She didn't need anyone, just her and the blade, they could do it all on their own.

_We don't need_  
_Anything_  
_Or anyone_

She didn't need anything else, she was fine on her own, she was fine without Chloe. She could do it, for now at least. When she thought about the future Beca had to admit she didn't see one for herself. She had had it all planned when she came to Barden University. She was going to get her degree and go to LA. She was going to produce music, she had no reason to stay around her family, they didn't want her around. But then she met Chloe, she was a reason to stay, but Beca couldn't handle it. She had failed Chloe. She was her best friend, how could she to that to Chloe, why did she had to fall in love with her? She was going to ruin everything and Beca didn't want to stay around for that, she didn't want to see that look of horror that would inevitably appear on Chloe's face, but she didn't wan to live with out Chloe. Her future looked dark without her.

_If I lay here_  
_If I just lay here_  
_Would you lie with me and just forget the world?_

Beca could remember that time on the Quad, the one her father had mentioned. She had been laying on the grass, listening to her newest mix, searching for imperfections. She had been doing it for about an hour when she had felt something fall onto her stomach. When she looked it was Chloe, her minds reaction was to push her off, but her heart wanted Chloe to stay, the feeling felt good, Beca felt wanted. That when Beca realised that she loved Chloe and that was when Beca got bad again.

Everyone Beca loved had left her. Her Mother had walked out on her Father and her and she was blamed. Her Father quickly finding not love in his heart for his dearest home wrecking daughter. She remembered the last time she told her aunt that she loved her, her last link to her mother committed suicide the next day. She remembered the last words her Grandmother had said to her before the cancer had finally reached her heart, 'Stay strong Beca, its all we can do.' And it was all Beca could do, and she tried so hard. So fucking hard. But she couldn't anymore. Chloe tipped her over the edge. Every night Beca woke up screaming, her dreams always showing Chloe's death, because thats how everyone Beca loved ended up, dead.

So Beca just let Chloe lay with her on the Quad and allowed herself to forget the world, to lose herself in memories.

_I don't quite know_

_How to say_  
_How I feel_

She needed to tell Chloe how she felt. She had surfaced from the waters of her depression just enough to notice how pale she was getting, how many wounds were on her arm, how she needed help. But she couldn't go to a doctor, she had nobody to go to. Except Chloe. So thats what she had done, marching straight over to Chloe's dorm before the waters dragged her back down, because in her heart Beca knew that this was her last chance, that the was going to cut to deep soon, that she now truly hated herself.

That was how she found herself knocking on Chloes door, two hours before the last Bellas practise before the competition in Lincoln centre for the ICCA's. Chloe was in her Bellas uniform when she answered.

"Hi! Oh Beca! What are you doing here? Practise in two hours!" Chloe had greeted her like her usual bubbly self. Beca had just taken a deep breath.

"I-I need to-to tell you so-some-something." Beca had just managed to push out, she needed to do this, she needed help. Chloe had noticed her tone, and how sincere the words were and had quickly pulled Beca into her dorm and onto the single bed that every dorm room had.

"Beca, what s wrong?" Chloe had asked, taking Beca's hands into hers and looking into Becas eyes with her deep blue ones that Beca just wanted to get lost in, but she couldn't, she had to tell Chloe. Beca opened her mouth to talk to Chloe, but no words came out, Chloe had noticed and squeezed Becas hand.

"You can tell me anything Beca, its okay." So Beca had took a deep breath, swallowed the bile that threatened to rise up her throat and tried to explain the best she could.

"I've not been too good recently." She had started, "I-I've been having problems for a while now, years even. But I've always been s-s-strong enough, see. I had nobody, nothing to l-l-lose. But then, you see, well , y-y-you can along a-a-and I had something to lose and its too much! I just- I don't know how to explain this! Damn it!" Beca had been holding back tears, but at this point she just let them go. She felt Chloe pulled her into a hug and tell her it was okay.

"But its isn't! I'm not oaky! I never had been! NOBODY STAYS! They all just leave me! How could anyone stay, why would anyone stay, when all the people that care about me end up dead or begin to hate me! And its too much! I can't take it anymore, I couldn't be strong anymore. That day on the quad, that was when things really got bad again, I have something to lose no, and I can't take it! I Just fucking can't! And I don't want to tell you, I don't want to show you, but I have to, because I just know, I KNOW! That if I don't tell you now that I will do it, that there isn't another opportunity to tell anyone, that when the water pulls me back in I just won't be able to stop! That I'll cut too deep, that I'll just end it all…." Chloe pulled away from a sobbing Beca, concern written all over her face.

"Beca, are you trying to tell me-" Beca cut her off with a loud sob and pulled up her sleeves. Chloe gasped at the sheer amount of scars and cuts that littered Becas thin arms, Chloe took the smaller girls hands.

"Why didn't you tell me? I'm not going to die, you know that, I'm not going anywhere Beca, its okay." Beca just looked up at Chloe and held her breath, trying to compose herself.

"Can I just tell you one thing? And you have to promise not to hate me, please?" Beca begged, Chloe nodded at the smaller girl.

"I-I-I, you see the thing is, well, I l-l-love you, a lot and not as f-f-frie-" Beca was cut off by Chloe pressing her lips onto Beca's. Beca's whole body lit up in the fireworks Chloes touch gave, her for once, for the first time in years, the depression that lingered over her was almost forgotten.

_Those three words_  
_Are said too much_  
_They're not enough_

After the kiss Chloe had pulled back, she had looked at Beca so warmly, so lovingly, that Beca felt embarrassed for even thinking that this girl would leave her.

"I love you too, Beca... Now we have to get you ready for practise because as much as I know you need the time off, Aubrey will get involved and you don't want that. But don't even think for a moment that you are getting away with this because as soon as practise is over we are getting in my car and we are getting you help Beca, because I finally got you and I never want to lose you okay?" Beca agreed without complaint, knowing she could get used to hearing Chloe say them three words.

Beca fulfilled her promise after practise and two days later Chloe was in her dorm checking that Beca had taken her anti depressants and kissing at her scabbing over cuts, hoping so deeply that her love could heal them.

_If I lay here_  
_If I just lay here_  
_Would you lie with me and just forget the world?_

After a week on the anti depressants Beca smiled truly for the first time in years. She was lying on the Quad with Chloe, holding hands and watching the clouds drift across the sky and Chloe had turned to her, a big grin and pointed at a boy being chased by a squirrel with a simple and silly comment.

"Look at Aubrey trying to attract that boy." And Beca felt a strange feeling bubbling up in her chest and a strange expression on her face, she was about to replace the expression with an eye roll, but he look of pure joy on Chloe's face had stopped her. Beca was confused as to why Chloe would smile like that about her strange expression when she realised she was smiling, that she was going to be okay, smiling meant she was going to be okay, the pills were working.

"God I love you!" Beca had exclaimed and kissed Chloe so softly, so in love that when she pulled away she saw that Chloe was crying. At Becas confused expression Chloe answered simply.

"You going to be okay Beca, we are going to be okay!"

_Forget what we're told_  
_Before we get too old_  
_Show me a garden that's bursting into life_

It was after a month on the anti depressants that Beca knew that she needed to thank Chloe for saving her. But Beca knew that a gift could never be enough, so she gave Chloe a gift with a promise. She had just bought a gift and knocked on Chloe's door, knowing that she couldn't do it in public, that it needed to just be them. When Chloe had opened the door Beca saw the way her eyes lit up, the way her mouth curved upwards at the sight of Beca. Beca handed Chloe the gift as soon as the door was opened. It was a necklace, it had a ring on the end of it. Chloe looked at it with a smiled and told Beca to put it on her. Beca did that and explained the gift.

"The chain is new, but the ring was my Grandmas, it was the first gift my Grandfather gave her, she said it was when she knew he was the one. So I'm giving it to you." Chloe turned to Beca with tears in her eyes.

"You think I am the one?" Chloe asked. Beca nodded.

"I know so, and I promise to be here with you as long as I possibly can, okay?" And Chloe had just nodded, looking at Beca with such love and happiness that Beca made herself a promise too that day, that she would stay with Chloe as long as she could, because if Chloe loved her, she needed to give Chloe the best she could, because Chloe deserved the best anyone could be.

_Let's waste time_  
_Chasing cars_  
_Around our heads_

Beca held Chloe's hand tightly as she sat at the side of the hospital bed. Chloe had her nodes out and couldn't speak for a while. Beca stared lovingly into Chloe's blue eyes as the girl winced at the pain she was in, as the morphine wore off. Chloe slammed the button at the side of her bed for the doctors to come and give her more, but that would take a few minutes and she was in agony. She gripped Beca's hand tightly, looking up at her love, and still, despite all the pain she was in, felt her heart flutter. Beca sensed Chloes pain and started talking to her softly to distract the red headed girl from the pain.

"Hey, hey, its okay, the doctors are going to be here in a minute. But guess what! Honey, its been two months! Two months! I haven't even tried to cut in two months! Thats the longest I can remember going, ever!" Beca felt Chloe's parents stare on her, but looking into Chloe's blue eyes which no longer held pain, but pride, she knew she needed to continue.

"And its all because of you! But thats not even the best part, I got a text from Aubrey this morning, and guess what it said? Bella's are going to the finals, the FootNotes cheated! But honey, I know we might not win, but if we can convince Aubrey to use on of my mixes, we will! I know it! And-" Beca was cut off by the doctors coming in and giving Chloe the morphine. The Doctor turned to Beca.

"You're a good girlfriend you know? That must have hurt her a lot, but you distracted her, what did you tell her?" Beca smiled, mostly fake, but partly genuine, that was a good smile for a person that wasn't Chloe.

"Just some things I haven't told her yet, she is really excited about them." The Doctor smiled.

"You promise me to always look after her?" Beca nodded.

"I'm going too, but she looks after me more."

_I need your grace_  
_To remind me_  
_To find my own_

The week after Chloe came out the hospital, a week before term restarted in Barden, Beca relapsed. She had missed a pill, Chloe was out with Aubrey and Beca had forgotten to take it. Within three hours she was getting them thoughts, she tried to stop them but they wouldn't go. After an hour of fighting the voices she gave in, they were right after all. She was worthless, Chloe didn't deserve her, the world would be better off without her. So Beca had got in the shower and she cut, she cut deeper than she had ever before, meaning to kill herself, wanting to kill herself. The last thing she remembered doing was watching her crimson blood spiral in the running water and thinking about how beautiful her death was looking.

Chloe screamed when she found her. She pulled Beca close to her body and felt frantically for a pulse, she found a faint one. On the verge of hysterics she called an ambulance, cursing herself, she had forgotten to remind Beca to take her medication, if Beca died it would be her fault. So she sat with Beca the whole way through, holding her hand and comforting her. And later when she was told that the only reason that Beca woke up was because she had something to come back to and how her first words when conscious was 'Where's Chloe? I need Chloe, I have to tell her that Im sorry.' Chloe had never felt more relief. The first thing the doctor had said to Chloe was 'your her saving Grace, she is lucky to have you and no doubt, your lucky to still have her now.'

_If I lay here_  
_If I just lay here_  
_Would you lie with me and just forget the world?_

The first time the Bellas found out about what they called 'BeChloe, the greatest couple since Adam and Eve' Beca felt her heart burst with love for her girlfriend, just from looking her, seeing the sparkle in her eyes and the large smile on her face as she told everyone about how much she loved Beca, made Beca glad that she was still alive, made her glad that the Doctors hadn't told Chloe just how close to dying she was, because she had promised them, meaning it with all her heart that she wouldn't do it again. She couldn't do it again, because she saw how Chloe reacted, and she never wanted to put her love through that again.

_Forget what we're told_  
_Before we get too old_  
_Show me a garden that's bursting into life_

It was before the finals that Beca bought the ring, she knew things were going fast, but she knew that it was the right time. And when the Bellas won Beca knew that she had to, so she had taken Chloe out to dinner straight after and done it. Chloe said yes immediately. Beca was engaged. Beca knew she would never let Chloe down ever. She finally had stopped thinking about what her Father would say.

_All that I am_  
_All that I ever was_  
_Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see_

When she told her Father she was engaged to a woman he told her never to speak to him again. Beca agreed happily, telling him that Chloe was all she ever needed. But later that night she had still cried a bit in Chloe's arms, as it truely was her saying goodbye to her Father and as much as she loved Chloe he was still her Father and it still hurt a little, but when Chloe had asked if it really was the right thing to do Beca had looked her right in the eyes and simply said,

"All I need to do is look into your wonderful blues eyes and they are filled with some much love and care that I know it is the right thing, because I love you a million times more than I could very love my Father, even if he wasn't a dead beat piece of crap." Chloe had just kissed her.

_I don't know where_  
_Confused about how as well_  
_Just know that these things will never change for us at all_

When summer came around Beca was confused, whilst Chloe and Aubrey were staying gone at Barden to get their masters degree Beca still had no place to go in the summer after walking out her Fathers life, so where would she stay. Obviously her mind said that she would stay with Chloe, because they were engaged, but Beca didn't want to intrude on her family, because after not seeing them for so long Chloe definitely would want all the time she could with them, maybe she might not want Beca there all the time to do so. But when Chloe barged into her dorm, not ten minutes after Beca was thinking this and announced that her Mum had bought Chloe a double bed and that Beca was staying at her house for the summer Beca's fears and worries went, she smiled brightly at Chloe, before rolling her eyes when Chloe asked if she had overdosed on her anti depressants and then sticking her tongue out and wiggling it in a childish way that made Chloe laugh herself into wheezing breathless huffs.

_If I lay here_  
_If I just lay here_  
_Would you lie with me and just forget the world?_

And laying in the large field at the back of the Beale household holding Chloe's hand Beca realised that she was worth something. She was worth a lot, because if she could make somebody feel as much love for her as Chloe did, make someone smile as much as she did with Chloe, then her life wasn't pointless and in that moment, for the first time in years, she wished that life would just stop, that time would just stop and that she could just live forever with Chloe. Because that is what she wants now, that is what she needs, and she knows that she will always need Chloe, because she is her saving grace. And who better to spend her life with than somebody who could pull her from hell and make her normal again. Someone who had helped Beca made the most 'miraculous recovery I have ever seen from a patient so deeply hurt', because what Beca was waiting to tell Chloe was that she hadn't took her meds all summer, and she was okay, better than ever. Because Chloe saved her. Because Chloe helped her chase the cars smashing around her mind.


End file.
